uncertainty

Dear blog (i am not going to call u diary cos that’s plain weird),

Work is starting next week for me and i am getting the jitters now. As you should know, I keep complaining (or bitching, depending on how you look at it) about my lack of interpersonal skills. I blurt out things that I shouldn’t and I don’t actually score in the looks category too. Worrying ….

I guess the good thing about having a super long break before starting work is that you get to recharge and get so freaking restless that you really look forward to having something to do. But having a lot of time on your hands mean that you have more time to worry and work yourself into a panic before your work has even began.

I wonder if I will ever be ready for work life and all that it entails. What to do in the office and what not to do in the office? How should I behave? I am too much of a worrier to let all these doubts go.

I guess I can only hope for the best and try to distract myself from my panic-stricken mind.

Wondering if I am becoming too much of a loner. Ying said that i should go up to random strangers and talk to them, in my attempt to make more friends and to feel less loner-ish. Most probably will just freak people out anyway. I guess I can only blame myself. There are only a handful of people that I  am close to and can call my friends. Is it because I didn’t put in enough effort to make more friends? Is it wrong to feel like I need to protect myself when I am around others? Even as I ‘write’ this, I keep glancing at the number of ‘I’ s that I had used. Am I that selfish?

Haiz! Cycles, never-ending cycles. This has came out time and time again but I can’t control it. It is like a chase to capture a wild animal. You may have caught it this time but you can never take the wildness out of it. Its aim is forever to break out of the cage that you kept it in and it will do it again and again no matter how many times you have caught it before.

안녕히 주무세요. I think I should stop before I dig a bigger hole and create more doubts.

-Yi Xian 드림-

back after a long while

this seems to be the common title of my blog posts. 😀

Convocation is over! I am finally a graduate with a 17k loan to repay T.T

Totally not loving the responsibilities that comes with that.

My grandfather has passed away exactly 7 days before my convocation. I guess that is a welcome relief for him. Seeing him grow thinner and thinner everyday, slipping away slowly and silently is both a blessing and torture for my mum. I believe that a child will never crease to see his/her parents as a solid rock in their life. To have that taken away from them is a shock, no matter what age the child is at. Thankfully(?), my mum wasn’t there when he passed. Only in this way, can she keep her promise to shigong that she won’t burst out crying. I have to say that witnessing this funeral I have seen the best and the worst in people. The arguments over matters, both trivial and important, have brought many sides in people that I haven’t seen before. I am just glad that my mum managed to persuade them to hold a Buddhist funeral. That, I think, is the biggest blessing of all.

I think I witnessed a lot of miracles and learnt a lot of experience through my grandfather’s funeral. How the whole thing worked out in the end is really a miracle. My grandfather must be a man with great blessings, for he is so fortunate to have a lot of Buddhist Venerable monks to chant sutra for him during his 7 days wake. R.I.P Ah gong!

There are so many things that I want to rant about but I really cannot find the energy to complain anymore. Irresponsible people, people who refuses to listen to advice and these people are all older than me…. I have no right to criticize them. After all, they are still my elders. If they can live with their conscience then so be it.

People always hold you to your words. Never promise to deliver when you are not planning to actually do that. This will only earn you a bad reputation and endless cursing. 一个人重要的不是他有没有钱，而是他的德行。

I think the lesson that really shocked me to the core is the fact that, at the end of the day, we are all going to end up as a pile of bones/ashes. What really matters is what you have done for both yourself and others when you are alive and kicking. Live life to the fullest and without regrets.

Background info – Part 1

Listening to my 2AM album now on my dying ipod (low batt):

Okay some background information about 2AM. They debuted in 2008 as a ballad group under JYP Entertainment, with their debut song “This Song”. I really didn’t notice them until my sister started following 2PM. 2AM + 2PM=One day! Lol I know that I laughed after hearing this 🙂 Weird but their performance together is like a full show because the totally different styles that these 2 groups have. It is like getting the best of both world.

Well, JoKwon played a part too in getting my attention. Just when my 2AM obsession started blossoming, he formed a couple with Ga-in of BEG and I started following them on WGM. For those that haven watched this before, pls go and watch it. It is hilarious! With his fellow 2AM members, Seulong and Jinwoon part of the MC team watching and commenting on their performance in the studio, the whole show gave 2AM a much needed boost in popularity. With the whole Korean market’s preference for dance tracks, 2AM has always lacked behind 2PM (dance focused) in popularity although they debuted earlier.

Now, let’s find out more about the members:

Leader: Jo Kwon
Birthday: August 28, 1989 (age 20)
He is the variety programmes’ new favorite with his girl groups dance impersonation. His khap (crazy) kwon performance on variety shows has endeared him to the audience. I think the catalyst that pushed Jo Kwon’s Khap kwon character into the limelight is his crazy dance in BEG’s abracadabra parody that 2AM + 2PM (part of the members) made together. This parody was apparently even mistaken to be a gay video in some country. For those that are interested in the Dirty Eyed Girls (DEG) version of BEG’s abracadabra : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVrAb_wDRWE

Many credited 2AM’s current sucess to Jo Kwon’s performance.  He has been preparing for his debut for a long time, having been in JYP training for 8 years.

Member: Lee Changmin
My favorite member! His voice is really easy to pick out in the songs. Jo Kwon and him are the main leads of the group, I believe. Having spend part of his growing years in Canada, his English is the best in 2AM. He is also a self-learned cook and the official chef of the 2AM dorm.

Having a wicked sense of humor, he was once a permanent cast for the Korean variety show, Star Golden Bell.

I think he is the most silent member in the group but when he opens his mouth, it is super funny! He is also the only idol to have debut after he finished his compulsory military service. According to an interview that they did together, he is the first one to rise everyday and cook for the other members. 🙂 Love him.

This concludes the first part of the background info of 2AM. Some manly pictures of  2AM that they did for men’s health korea:

Updating

I am wondering which group do I start with? Hhahaha most probably I will start off with 2AM considering my current obsession with them.
2PM is also releasing their new single this month!~ Excited!
Rain just released/ is going to release (not sure which) his new album soon.
SNSD also has nice songs in their new repackaged album (Run Devil Run)
Kara – Lupin!

Spoiled for choice.

Listening to: Breathe by G-Dragon + Stylish by Big Bang 🙂

Wondering

A sudden idea popped into my sleep-deprived brain just now on the bus. Maybe I could use to introduce songs/albums that I love? Is that a good idea?

i am procrasinating again

Haiz there is still a ton of things for me to do but I chose to take a break this weekend. BAD choice i know but really cannot last so long without a break.
Anyways, my back is killing me. I don’t know what did I do that made it hurt as much as it is hurting now. Ended up walking like a duck (with butt stuck out) whenever I stand up from a chair. ..
I also want to achieve self-actualization but the things that I have to do now is leaving me with no time to consider others.
I often feel that the harder I try at trying to write down what i feel, the more idiotic I sound. Typical case of trying too hard.. :S
How is it that when I read blogs of others I feel like i can relate to what they are saying, feel like they have such an insight to life but when I read over what I have written :X it is like toxic waste. . .
Not proud to say that I am surviving but still proud of all my achievement so far. Hope I can say the same thing at the end of this sem.

shelter

Like the wind avoids the rain, I am watching you from my shelter
Even though my love for you overflows
Can I love you? Can I hold you?
I’m about to drown in my worries. I can’t forgive myself for hesitating.
I want to know why, I want to know why

–rap–

When we met my girl, I knew it would be like this
Do you feel me? The only one I’ve been looking for
I can’t breathe my word. My words turn into tears
Do you feel me? The sound of the rain that hits my heart
I always want to keep you smiling. I’m sorry that I made you sad [T/N hang your head]
But please keep waiting
Don’t give up your love, stay by my side
I need your love, I need your love

–Rap–

If I reach out my hand, my girl, I’ll believe that you’ll be able to understand
Do you feel me? Even if there are wounds left
The place you are is my world. If you open the doors again
Do you feel me? I want to feel your sound

-by Jejung and Yuchun <Shelter>

just feel that the lyrics are so beautiful that I have to post it. I will always be there for you even if u don’t know of my existence.

I can only say this emotion can apply to friends. I love you guys and I will be there for you. Although I may not be able to stay by ur side all the time, I will be there when u need me. You may have forgotten about me but I haven’t….

back after a long time

Really really tired by school. Tormenting myself by choosing a killer timetable. Working with new groupmates and on new things is wearing me thin. Trying to keep a positive attitude while doing it requires effort. And the very obvious decrease in mental processing power…… is making everything very difficult.

Really losing my brainpower to process information. Can’t spell well…. really can’t deny that I am becoming old. Or is there something wrong with me :S

3 weeks

3 weeks have passed so quickly. looking forward and at the same time dreading the first day of the new semester. I think i am still not ready to go back and meet new pple….

离别之情

没有任何文字能形容此刻的心情。 离别之情已表露在我脸上。 

不知是否害怕受到伤害， 我选择慢慢的抽离你们。话少了， 互动也少了， 心情却依然的不舍。 

越是想抽离， 心情越是难过。 虽然彼此相处的时间不长， 但在这短短的时间我们的友谊的确是建立起来了。

就因我们每天的谈笑风声，日子过的很快乐，很轻松。你们让我原本以为是枯燥乏味的实习生活变的多姿多彩。

让我在此衷心的感谢你们！

 

The random periods of bad mood I displayed today is partly due to the fact that this is the last week of internship. Is this a form of survival mechanism? Trying to withdraw from everyone first before you get hurt by others? Am I avoiding the full blunt force of sorrow that will come from leaving the company by slowly withdraw myself from everyone? Will the sorrow is less if I was not as “close” to anyone?